Over the last few weeks, I have become acutely aware of how much I owe to our darling daughter; for giving me no option these last few years but to keep going. If I’m honest, most of those years have gone by in a relative blur and I’m sure my memory has found ways to blank vast sections out! I certainly spent 2014-16 simply existing; finding any way that I could to get to tomorrow. But without noticing it, I’ve started to feel some of ‘me’ returning.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a part of me, the young-ish woman part of me that I fear is irreparably broken – I still have no answer for how you bring that side of you back. I will always cherish Alex, my soul mate, as he is and be grateful for the strength that has kept him with us; but I will forever miss Alex as he was….the man I grew up with, gave my heart to, planned a life with. I will always wonder about how our lives might have panned out, the children we dreamt of, how much he would love to be putting Amelia on his shoulders at the school gates or tickling her senseless!…..but the mummy part of me, the friend, the daughter…. feels a little bit more glued back together.
Why? Because our beautiful girl has shown me how to chase rainbows (and unicorns) when it rains, and to look for stars when it is dark. At 31 years old (compared to her 4 years!) I thought I would/ should be the one with the answers, but Amelia is so self-assured, so kind and so compassionate that she has shown me the beauty there is in our life now.
I think I’m slowly learning to give up making comparisons between life then and life today. I need to see the beauty in the present. I want to see the beauty in the present. I’ve never known anyway how to refer to our family situation – life before illness/life after? But it is OUR life and I want to live it as fully as I can…. it’s the only way I can think of to repay our little guardian angel.
So Amelia, mummy wants to say “thank you” and I’m making you a promise that there is more of me to come. I’m not there yet and I know that sometimes life for you is different to that of your new classmates; but I will get there. We will keep saving our pennies for that New York trip you dream of and I WILL take you to all the places that mummy and daddy went on honeymoon to see. The frozen hot chocolates, the helicopter flight and all those magical places you picture daddy well and happy! I will make sure you can go to birthday parties just like your friends (because that’s a big thing when you’re 4), and that you dream BIG! I will help you realise those dreams for the rest of my life. I don’t know which divine or spiritual being blessed us with you, but mummy is eternally grateful to them!
If Daddy could express it, I know he would tell you the same. How proud he is of the little lady you have become. No one makes him smile like you do. No one. He fought for you, he fights for you and it’s from him you get your strength (and cheekiness!). How blessed am I to have you both in my life, as my life’s purpose, as my driving force to be a better me?! I won’t let either of you down my darlings!
Mummy, Rach xx